Tiny Bison

What are the best movies about toys? Here’s our list. Check them out.

1. Big – 5 stars. A little boy, Josh, eats a magic bean and turns into Tom Hanks who then gets a job playing with toys and Elizabeth Perkins. Okay, maybe it involves a carnival wish machine and Robert Loggia. Either way, it’s a great movie with an innocence that’s sorely lacking in most of today’s horror movies.
2. Toy Story – 5 stars. The story of Woody, played by Tom Hanks and some pixels, and his friends Buzz, Potato Head, Rex, and others. By “others” I mean a bunch of folks and R. Lee Ermy, one of the finest actors to grace the silver screen with a snarl and snide remarks. Anyway, Tom Hanks gets jealous of Buzz the Toolman and tries to bump him off but gets caught and takes everyone on a joyride across town to “find” him. Hijinks ensue. It all works out in the end and the toys are fat and happy.
3. Toy Story 2 – 4 stars. The story of Woody, played by Tom Hanks and even more pixels, and his friends Buzz, Potato Head, Rex, and others. Yes, by “others” I still mean a bunch of folks and R. Lee Ermy, who is still one of the finest actors to grace the silver screen with a snarl and snide remarks. So, Hanks gets himself stolen by Frazier, so Buzz the Toolman takes everyone on a joyride across town to “find” Hanks. More hijinks. It all works out in the end and the toys are once again fat and happy.

So, what toy movies don’t make the grade? Here they are.

1. Small Soldiers – 1 star. Peaceful toys are brutalized by bad toys with a military industrial complexion. Occasionally decent voice actors waste their time and talent on this anti-military screed targeted squarely at children. Politically correct and paper thin, this is one to avoid.
2. Toys – 1/2 star. Robin Williams contines to waste his talent in this anti-military, political soapbox full of drivel. It gets a half star for LL Cool J, but that’s about it. Don’t waste your time.

Toy movies that didn’t get reviewed here. But, stay tuned.

1. The Toy (1982) – Richard Pryor is bought by millionaire Jackie Gleason intent on his son having a fun time.
2. Toy Soldiers (1984) – Something about teenagers vacationing in Central America who’re kidnapped by terrorists (probably because of toy shortages or something). Starring Cleavon Little, Tracy Scoggins, Tim Robbins, and a bunch of other people.
3. Toy Soldiers (1991) – The Regis School is taken over and the boys are taken hostage by terrorists (hmmm… rings a bell). Anyhow, this one has Sean “Rudy” Astin and Wil “Wesley” Weaton, but can’t be all bad since it has Louis Gosset Jr. and more importantly, it features R. Lee Ermy, one of the finest actors to ever shout down Private Pyle. Has promise.
4. Toy Soldiers (1999) – Al thinks back to cereal box toys in this short film.